24 Jul 2012

50 shades of man

No Comments Funny

Some of you will most likely have heard about a certain book doing the social rounds called 50 shades of grey. It was of little interest to me at first until one recent Wednesday lunchtime I browsed my way to my usual car forum (www.350z-uk.com) and I stumbled across a post called ’50 shades in Ghey’, in which I began to read about the various hetrosexual activities a bunch of middle aged blokes are confessing to.

Normally these guys are discussing fuel ratios, boost pressure, NOS installations, tyre tread differences and the fine art of aero dynamics…however this thread was more focussed on mixing Dove moisturizer with lynx shower gel ‘Because it makes your skin soft’ and getting you wife to buff your nails, using womens deodorant etc.

Quite frankly just reading it made me feel less manly and my unshaven chin even started to withdraw and attempt to eject the fine stuble I had amassed.

It got the point where I said enough is enough and just had to rectify this outrageous defamation against all things manly, and in that same furious moment I created a new thread ’50 Shades of Man’ with the sole intention of ‘course correction’ for the many that have been lost to feminism.

A simply enough piece of literature composed by the few that stand by their ways I sought for a numbered list of all the things make a man, a MAN!

With out further ado, this is thine list (Ordered in number of post):

34) I skip to the front of queues
1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.
2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!
3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.
4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.
5) I shave with a bowie knife.
6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!
7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!
8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.
9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer
10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe
11) I am ians cats best customer
12) When servicing my car I don’t use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees
13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks
14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush
15) I drink sand
16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That’s twice as fast as my car.
17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.
18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.
19) I ate Ian’s cat because it gives short measures
20) I use sandpaper condoms.
21) I do my own electrical work – stripping wires with my teeth – and leave the supply on whilst doing it.
22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down
23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say “Your hats are less than exceptional.”
24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost
25) I’m a lumber jack and I’m ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra – I wish I’d been a girlie, just like my dear papa……………is this the right thread ?
26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave
27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers……USING MY LEFT NUT
28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.
29) Not only do I pee standing up, I’m doing a handstand, not standing on my feet
30) I don’t wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear
31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman’s club know me by name.
32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow
33) I make onions cry
35) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !
36) I once said ‘NO’ to my wife!!!!
37) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!
38) When doing DIY I don’t need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face.
39) Cheryl cole says my name…. baby!
40) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts.
41) I am so manly I don’t cry when Ash plucks my eyebrows….and I love boobs so much I am growing my own set so I can feel them whenever I like.

Please do take note of these key defining points, you may well rely on them in the near future. Thanks for reading!

written by
Hey, i'm Chris Newnham thanks for reading my blog, it's great to meet you at last...your time spent here is valuable to me and i'd really appreciate it if you left a comment or two...P.S. you look fab!